Not in the Mood?
by The 1000th Kiss
Summary: What happens when Collins isn't in the mood? Read and find out!
1. Not in the Mood?

**This story just popped into my head. No joke. I was just sitting in my basement and it just came to me. So I wrote it to see if it'd be any good. It's an attempt at humor so . . . it might be funny and it might not.**

**I own nothing. The Almighty Larson owns all but the plot line.**

Lying on the floor in her bedroom with her feet in the air, Angel was reading For the New Intellectual by Ayn Rand. It was one of Collins' many books on philosophy and, although she could understand most of it, she was bored out of her mind. Her initial plan was to read a good portion of the book and then impress her lover with her newfound knowledge when he came home. Unfortunately, that plan was failing.

_How does he read this?_ she thought. _Why would he pick such a boring subject to be interested in? _

Angel managed to read the entire first chapter before shutting the book and tossing it backwards on the bed with seven other books of Collins' she'd only read the first chapters of. She sighed, stood up, and looked at the pile of books on the bed.

_Damn you books!_ she thought. _Damn you all to hell!_

She went to the bedroom door, gave the books one last look as if to damn them all for eternity, and headed to the living room area. There she sat on the couch and stared at the door. Five minutes passed before she got up, walked to the door, opened it, and looked down both ends of the hallway. Collins wasn't in sight yet so Angel brought her head back in the door and shut it. She sighed again and went into the kitchen.

_He always comes home when I'm in the kitchen, _she thought. She pulled out a pot, filled it with water, sat it on the front burner of the stove, and turned the burner on before sitting on the kitchen table and waiting. When the water started boiling about ten minutes later, Angel heard the door open and shut.

"Baby, I'm home!" She heard Collins call.

_Finally! _Angel's mind shouted. She got off the table, turned the stove off, and went into the living room area to greet her lover with an extremely passionate kiss, which lasted about two minutes.

"How was your day, honey?" Angel asked after the tiny make out session was over.

"Same old, same old," Collins replied, slipping his shoes off. "I lectured my class. Some of them fell asleep, others couldn't keep up. You know, how my days usually are." He walked over to the couch, sat down, and opened his briefcase. "Oh yeah, I get to grade a whopping seven essays." Collins rolled his eyes as he took a pen from his pocket.

"Well, seven's not bad," Angel said, trying to sound encouraging. "I mean, at least some people are doing the assignments."

"Seven may not be bad, but seven out of _twenty _is horrible."

"Ooh . . . I have to agree with you there." Collins sighed, took the cap off of his pen with his teeth, and took out the first essay he was going to grade. Angel sat behind him and rubbed his shoulders. "Sweetie, do you _have _to grade those _now?_"

"No, but I'd like to get 'em done and out of the way," Collins replied, completely ignoring the fact that his lover was giving him a massage.

"Are you _sure _you don't wanna do that later?" Angel stopped her little massage and started kissing Collins' neck.

"I'm sure, baby." Collins made several red marks and circles on the first page of the essay he was grading before turning to the second page.

"You sure you don't wanna do something _else?_" Angel started nibbling on her lover's ear. Collins put his pen and the essay down and gently pushed Angel away from him.

"Ang, I have work to do," he told her. "You understand that?" Angel frowned.

"No I don't actually," she replied. "You _never _turn down sex. Not even for work."

"Well, I'm just not in the mood today." Angel gasped and her eyes widened. "Why're you lookin' at me like that?"

"You _did not _just say that sentence," Angel replied, her eyes still as wide as ever.

"What'd I say?" Collins asked.

"You said you're not in the mood!"

"And?"

"Honey, you're never _not _in the mood! You're the horniest guy in New York!"

"Am I not allowed to not wanna have sex?"

"No you're not!"

"Why not?"

"It's weird! Are you sick?" Angel put the back of her hand to Collins' forehead and he brought her hand back down. "I'm gonna go get the thermometer and call Maureen."

"Angel, I'm fine!" Collins yelled as Angel sprinted to the bathroom. She got the thermometer out of the medicine cabinet, ran back to the living room area, and put the thermometer in Collins' mouth.

"Keep that under your tongue," she told him as she ran to the bedroom. There, she picked up the phone and dialed the number to Maureen and Joanne's apartment as fast as her fingers would let her. It rang twice before someone answered.

"_Hello!" _Maureen's perky voice came.

"Maureen, it's Angel," Angel said quickly.

"_Oh! Hi Angel! How's it goin'?_

"This is no time for chit chat. There's been a crisis!"

"_What happened?"_

"Brace yourself."

"_I'm braced."_

"Collins just told me he's not in the mood for sex." Maureen made a high pitch squealing noise and Angel held the phone away from her ear.

"_That's impossible!"_ Maureen's normal voice came, now dripping with concern.

"It's true!" Angel said. "He said it! I need you to help me figure out what's wrong!"

"_I'm on my way." _They both hung up the phone at the same time and Angel ran back to the living room area to check the thermometer. It read 96.8, meaning he wasn't sick. Now all she could do was wait for Maureen.

**First chapter done. Like it? Hate it? Tell me in your reviews please.**


	2. Pictures

**So it's been forever since I updated anything. I know. Had some things goin' on that were bad and did some things I ain't proud of. I'm a bit better though. I'm well enough to update. Yay for my readers!**

**I own nothing. The Almighty Larson owns all but the plot line.**

"Here, honey, drink this," Angel told her lover, thrusting a cup of tea that she'd made him into his hands. "Tea cures anything."

"Baby, I'm pretty sure tea can't arouse a person," Collins replied, staring into the cup.

"Just drink a little bit of it. I wanna see if it works." Collins sighed and took a large sip of the hot tea as Angel sat on the coffee table and stared at him. Neither of them moved for a while. "Drink a little bit more." Collins did as Angel said and they were both still and silent again. Two minutes passed before Collins put the cup down on the table next to Angel. "Are you horny yet?"

"No," Collins said, making Angel frown.

"Not even a tiny bit?" Collins shook his head as someone knocked on the door. "I got it! It's probably Maureen." Angel went to the door, opened it, and let Maureen, Joanne, who was carrying a large cardboard box, Roger, Mimi, and Mark into the apartment.

"We're here!" Maureen exclaimed.

"But I only called _you_," Angel pointed out.

"Yeah, but I needed a ride so Pookie had to come. Then right before we left I realized I _had_ to call Mimi 'cause she's your best friend. She just happened to be at the loft so she told Roger and Mark and _they _came along just 'cause they didn't believe Collins actually wasn't in the mood for sex. Now, here we all are!" Maureen finished her explanation with a gesture toward herself, her girlfriend, and her friends.

"Maureen, can I put this down now?" Joanne asked, the box slipping from her fingers.

"Sure, Pookie!" Joanne dropped the box onto the floor. "Careful with that!"

"It was heavy."

"What's _in _that thing anyway?" Roger asked.

"Just . . . stuff," Maureen said, sitting on the floor next to the box.

"What stuff?" Collins asked somewhat worriedly, watching Maureen open the box.

"The stuff I'm gonna use to help you get it up."

"I don't _need_ help gettin' it up. I just don't feel like havin' sex right now."

"Holy shit," Roger commented. "He said it. He actually said it."

"Never thought I'd see the day," Mark added.

"I've _had _days when I'm not in the mood for sex before, you know," Collins told his friends.

"No you haven't," Maureen said, rummaging through the box.

"She's right, Collins," Mark agreed. "You're the horniest guy any of us know." Roger walked over to Maureen and her box and looked down into it.

"Maureen, what the hell is all of this?" he asked. Maureen accidentally knocked a picture out of the box and Roger picked it up. He glanced at it, his eyes widened, and he threw it back on the ground. "Ahh! Naked man!" He ran to Mimi and hugged her tightly.

"Roger, stop overreacting," Mimi told her boyfriend, unwrapping his arms from around her, walking over to the picture, and picking it up. Her eyes widened as she looked at the picture. _"Wow." _Angel and Joanne walked over to Mimi and looked at the picture in her hand.

"Oh. My. God," Angel said. "It's so . . . _big_."

"Maureen, where the hell did you get this?" Joanne asked, her eyes glued to the picture.

"Out of a magazine," Maureen replied, still going through her box. "There's a folder full of 'em somewhere in here . . . aha!" She produced a manila folder from the box and sat next to Collins on the couch. "Okay, Collins, I'm gonna take out each of these pictures one by one and you're gonna tell me if you feel anything."

"Okay . . ." Collins said, wanting to run. He knew Maureen and everything she was capable of possessing.

"All right." Maureen took the first picture out of the folder and held it against her chest. "Ready?"

"Sure . . ." The picture was put into Collins' hands and he stared at it, completely unfazed. He looked to Maureen with a blank expression on his face and then turned his attention back to the picture. "It's a picture of two naked girls touching each other."

"I know!" Maureen exclaimed, looking at the picture with her best friend. "Isn't it _hot?_"

"Not really."

"Oh, come on! You can't tell me that that's not the hottest thing you've ever seen."

"It's not." Maureen sighed, took the picture from Collins, and turned it toward her girlfriend and the rest of her friends.

"Is this hot? Yes or no?" she asked. Joanne closed her eyes, shook her head, and didn't give an answer.

"Yes," both Roger and Mark said quickly.

"Pervs," Mimi responded, folding her arms.

"You gotta admit, it _is _kinda hot," Angel said.

"Okay. It's _kinda _hot."

"See, Collins?" Maureen said. "Everybody else thinks it's hot. Why don't _you_?"

"I just don't," Collins told her. "I've never been turned on by girl-on-girl action."

"Yeah right! _Every _guy is turned on by girl-on-girl action. Gay _and _straight."

"Not _this _guy."

"Well, damn! That eliminates almost all my pictures!" Maureen opened the folder and took all of the pictures of girls out of it, leaving one inside. She turned the picture upside down and gave it to Collins. "You _have _to think this one's hot. It's of two guys in the 69 position."

"Thanks for the image, Maureen," Mark commented. Collins turned the picture over and his eyes widened.

"_Well?" _Maureen said.

"Daaaaaaamn," Collins said, still staring at the picture.

"You feelin' anything?"

"Nope."

"I don't believe that. Angel, check him." Angel walked over to the couch and sat on Collins' lap as he put the picture down. "Anything?"

"Nothing," Angel said.

"I told ya'll. I'm not in the mood," Collins pointed out.

"Stop saying that!" Maureen demanded. "I _will _make you get a boner if it's the last thing I do!"

"Glad you're so determined, Maureen," Joanne commented.

"I'm _more _than determined, Pookie!" Maureen went back over to her box and started digging through it again.

"Hey, Mo, can I keep that picture for future reasons?" Collins asked.

**Second chapter is done! Again, sorry it took so long for me to update **_**anything**_**. **

**Review please.**


	3. Solution

**Yo! Okay, somebody reviewed this story and, to be honest, until they did, I completely forgot it existed . . . so . . . yeah. Thanks to i'll-cover-you-x for jogging my memory. This is for you! =)**

**I own nothing. The Almighty Larson owns all but the plot line.**

"I don't get it," Maureen said, plopping down in the middle of the floor. Her eyes were wide and she was staring at the contents of her box spread out all over the room. Pictures here, video tapes there. "I just don't get it." She looked from the mess in the room to Collins. "How the _hell _can _you, Thomas B. Collins, _not be horny after going through _everything _erotic I own? How?"

"I said it at least twenty times already, Mo," Collins replied. "I'm _not _in the mood."

"Damn it, stop saying that!"

"It's the truth."

"It's a lie! A lie, I tell you!"

"Maureen, maybe he just really isn't in the mood for sex right now," Joanne suggested. "I mean, he may be the horniest guy in New York, but he can't just have sex every single day. It's not natural."

"Thank you, Joanne," Collins said.

"I don't care what you say!" Maureen exclaimed. "There's no way Collins isn't turned on after all my pictures, tapes, and highlighted portions of erotic novels! I'm not giving up!"

"Maureen, honey, it's okay," Angel told her, sitting on the arm of the couch. "Thanks for trying." Collins frowned slightly at his lover.

"Baby, you look sad," he commented. "Are you really that upset I don't wanna have sex?"

"I'm not sad, Collins, I'm horny and trying to keep myself from pouncing on you."

"Do it!" Maureen shouted. "That'll get him in the mood!"

"Maureen, give it up," Roger said. Maureen glared at Roger, picked up one of the many magazines that was on the floor, flipped to a random page, and then turned it to the rocker. "Ahh! Two naked men!" He covered his eyes with his hands.

"Honeybear, don't you think you should clean all this . . . porn up?" Joanne asked.

"I guess so," Maureen said. She looked around the room for a moment. "Where'd Marky go?" The bohemians looked at each other.

"I bet _I _know where he is," Roger said after a silence.

"Where?" Mimi asked.

"Well . . . are all of Maureen's . . . things accounted for?" Maureen looked around on the floor and counted her magazines and pictures. Then she recounted them. Then recounted them again.

"I think I'm missing one," she informed everyone.

"Oh, gross!" Angel said. "Now, I'm gonna have to clean that up!" Someone suddenly pounded on the door. Angel stood up, smoothed out the wrinkles in her skirt, walked over to the door, and opened it. Benny was on the other side, a box on the ground next to him.

"Where's Collins?" he asked. He had an angry expression on his face.

"He's sitting on the couch," Angel answered. "Why?" Benny pushed his way past Angel and walked into the apartment. He stopped walking when he noticed pictures of naked men and women lying around.

"What the hell's going on here?" he asked as Angel shut the door.

"Collins won't have sex with Angel!" Maureen exclaimed. "He said he's not in the mood, but I don't believe that! I think he just needs help getting it up."

"Maureen, why don't you listen?" Collins asked. "I already told you I don't-"

"Don't deny it!" Maureen interrupted. Collins rolled his eyes as Maureen looked to her former friend. "Benny, what do you do when Muffy wants to have sex and you can't get it up?" Benny's mouth dropped open and Roger and Mimi laughed.

"Two things," Benny said, folding his arms. "One: her name is _Alison. _And two: I've never _had_ that problem."

"Yeah right!" Maureen started collecting her possessions.

"What the hell are you doin' here anyway, Benjamin?" Collins asked, earning a glare from Benny.

"Well, _Thomas_, I don't appreciate the stupid little stunt you pulled," Benny replied. Collins and Angel exchanged looks. "Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"

"I actually _don't _know what you're talkin' about." Benny walked to the door, opened it, and dragged the box (which was still in the hallway) into the apartment.

"Then explain _this!" _he demanded. The bohemians stared at the box for a moment before bringing their attention back to Benny.

"You're pissed 'cause somebody sent you a box?" Collins asked. "I don't see what the problem is. I mean, unless you have a problem with cardboard." The anarchist smirked at the fuming landlord.

"It's what's _in _the box, smart-ass!" Collins chuckled and got up from his spot on the couch. He bent down to open the box and felt a hand smack his rear. He shot back up into a standing position and turned to face his friends. He looked at Angel and when his lover shook her head, he looked to his best friend.

"Really, Mo?" he said.

"Just so you know, that wasn't an attempt to turn you on," Maureen replied. "I've just always wanted to know whether or not your ass was as firm as it looks." Joanne's mouth dropped open and she stared at her girlfriend in disbelief. "Now all I need to figure out is how big your-"

"I'm sitting _right here, _you know," Joanne interrupted.

"What? Collins is fucking sexy. Even _you _can't deny that."

"Yes, he _is _sexy," Angel agreed. "And he's mine. Don't forget that."

"I'm gonna be honest with you, Angel. If Collins wasn't gay, or if he was at least bi, I'd take him from you."

"Again, I'm sitting _right here!" _Joanne exclaimed. Maureen kissed Joanne on the cheek and winked at Collins. The anarchist rolled his eyes, bent down, and opened the box. A huge grin spread across his face.

"Holy shit," he said, chuckling.

"It's _not _funny!" Benny shouted. "Why would send me that? Alison is _so _pissed at you!"

"I honestly didn't send you anything, but, damn, I wish I had!" Collins was soon full out laughing.

"What's in the box, Collins?" Mimi asked. Angel joined her boyfriend near the box and her eyes widened as she looked in it. She slowly put her hand in the box and took the item that was on the top of everything else out. Maureen immediately burst out laughing.

"Somebody sent you a dildo?" Roger asked, on the verge of laughter.

"_Collins _sent it to me!" Benny replied, folding his arms. "I know he did!"

"No, he didn't!" Maureen exclaimed. _"I _did!" The drama queen made her way over to the box and began going through it. "I ordered a bunch of little toys and sent them to your house a few days ago! I just didn't give a return address on the package 'cause I wanted it to be a surprise!"

"What the hell, Maureen? Why?"

"I thought Muffy might need _some _form of pleasure. I mean, she's married to _you _for God's sake." Roger and Mimi started laughing while Angel and Joanne only giggled. "I don't even know what half these things _are. _Oh! Check _this _out!" Maureen took a whip out of the box.

"Ooh!" Mimi exclaimed. "Kinky! Let me see that, Maureen." Maureen gave the whip to the dancer.

"Why'd you let her see it?" Roger asked his friend. "Why?" Mimi winked at her boyfriend and cracked the whip in the air.

"Oh yeah. I'm gonna have some fun with this." Mimi's eyes suddenly widened and she gasped. "Oh my God! The Cat Scratch Club!" Everyone stared at her in confusion. "Every month there's a night where all the girls get the night off and male dancers are brought in! And since I'm an employee I can bring up to ten friends for free! We can take Collins!"

"Mimi, you're a genius!" Maureen shouted. "That'll _definitely _get him in the mood! When is it?"

"Tonight!"

"Hell yeah! We have a plan!"

"I'm not goin' to that," Collins said. "I will have sex with Angel when I'm good and ready and not before."

"Honey, did you forget you're talking to Maureen?" Angel asked. "You can say you don't wanna go a thousand times, but she'll find _someway _to make you. You know that." Collins looked at Maureen and she smirked evilly at him.

"Goddamn it. _Fine. _I'll go."

**That was for you, i'll-cover-you-x! Hope you liked it!**

**Review please! :)**


End file.
